February 12, 2006
Gun-control-means-a-steady-aim Dep't
A friend who will remain anonymous unless he decides to claim credit — has unearthed some additional facts about the incident in which Vice President Dick Cheney shot and critically wounded a hunting companion yesterday. (The victim is in intensive care; his condition is described as "stable.") These new facts are being kept quiet by the mainstream media:
* The Attorney General claims that the Vice President was granted the
power to shoot lawyers under the resolution allowing use of force in
Afghanistan.
* Cheney is refusing to cooperate with local investigators but has
briefed four senior members of Congress.
* The Pentagon claims that there are already sufficient supplies of body
armor for wealthy Texas lawyers but will be expediting existing
contracts.
* Based on a report from an Iraqi exile group, a special White House intelligence group had advised the Vice President that the lawyer was Osama bin Laden in disguise.
* Secretary of Defense Rumsfeld agrees that it would have been better if
the Vice President had shot Osama bin Laden. However, he added, "You can't always shoot what you choose to shoot; sometimes you have to shoot what's there to be shot."
* The White House released a statement that the administration will
benefit from having at least one member with experience in a live-fire
situation.
* President Bush commented, "You're a helluva shot, Dicky!"
* The Vice President's standing and reputation have been removed under
Secret Service protection to an undisclosed location.
